Communication is one of the most important parts of a healthy marriage. When the spouses adopt unhealthy communication styles, it can erode the relationship, potentially leading to divorce. Some damage can be reversed with genuine efforts and assistance from couples counseling, but other times, communication issues are a sign that it’s time to move on. Two of the top professionals in this field, John and Julie Gottman, developed a theory identifying four top predictors of divorce within a marriage. Read on for more information about them and how to spot them in your own marriage. To discuss your situation with an experienced Arizona divorce lawyer, call 602-509-0955.
Criticism
Just about everyone knows what it feels like to be criticized, and it isn’t good. There are definitely people who struggle to maturely listen to their partner’s needs- just see below under “Defensiveness”- but when criticism is the issue, at least one spouse tends to attack their spouse’s character rather than their actions.
If you believe you are guilty of criticizing your spouse in a non-constructive way, there are a few key communication strategies that may help improve your relationship. One of those is to avoid global terms like “never” and “always” when you have complaints to express to your spouse. Telling your spouse they never help and they always ignore you will make them feel attacked and like there is no point trying to meet your needs. Another key is to keep the language focused on the behavior, rather than assigning your spouse larger personality traits do to something they did or failed to do.
Contempt
This communication hangup has been pinpointed as the number one indicator of divorce. It is extremely difficult for the spouses to work their way back to a healthy relationship if at least one of them has reached the point of contempt for their spouse. Contempt looks and feels like disgust, derision, embarrassment, and other emotions one wouldn’t expect a person to have for their spouse. This can require deeper work to figure out why the contemptuous spouse feels that way.
Defensiveness
Some people have an extremely difficult time voicing concerns, boundaries, and other issues within a relationship to their partners. This could have been because of how they were raised, life experiences, and other unique personal factors. But it can make it even harder to get these types of messages across when the recipient is unwilling to hear them. They hear criticism, no matter how nicely the partner tries to express their needs. A defensive person will always have some method of deflection when their partner has serious issues to discuss. That could be an excuse for why they can’t fulfill whatever their partner’s request may be. If their partner needs help around the house, they’re still recovering from that cold they had last week, or it’s been a really rough week at work, etc. Defensiveness can also come in the form of blaming one’s spouse for any issues they want to discuss. That spouse might be too tired to help around the house because they had to step in and take care of a responsibility for their spouse the previous week, or they are exhausted from how hard they have to work to provide financial support for their spouse. They might try out multiple methods until they achieve their ultimate goal of getting their spouse to drop the issue. But rarely is an issue permanently dropped and completely forgotten. Instead, this can lead to resentment, which eventually erodes a marital relationship.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling can be one of the most frustrating styles of communication for a marriage that is already on the brink of divorce. A stone wall is something that is almost impossible to get through. The same can be said for a person who is stonewalling their spouse, at least from an emotional perspective. Someone who has emotionally checked out of their marriage might start using stonewalling as a communication style. They may simply ignore their partner when they are trying to communicate, refusing to respond or acknowledge them in any way. They might roll their eyes and let out a deep sigh before they half-heartedly agree to any of their spouse’s requests with no intention to follow through. But what looks like a lack of care to their spouse is actually a sense of overwhelm in the stonewalling spouse. This communication style is one that can particularly benefit from individual therapy.
When To Listen to the Four Horsemen
Many married couples can identify a few of the four horsemen present in their relationships, at least sometimes. There is no shame in going to couples counseling to work on communication issues, or individual therapy to achieve personal growth. But how is a spouse supposed to know when it is time to pursue a formal break or end the relationship through a legal separation or dissolution of marriage? Some of the signs that a marriage might not be worth working to save are:
- Constant conflict. It becomes much harder to work on a relationship if the spouses are always in a state of conflict. This is when there is no cooling-off period long enough for the spouses to be ready to calmly approach an issue. The spouses may want to take an informal break from each other before reuniting to decide how they want to address the issues within their marriage.
- Unmet therapy goals. The good thing about going to couples counseling, even when it results in divorce, is that the spouses know they tried before making the decision to file a divorce petition. Couples counseling does not guarantee that the spouses can resolve their issues and avoid divorce. But it can provide clarity if time and time again, the spouses fail to meet goals set by their counselor. Couples counseling can also help the spouses work towards an amicable divorce, which is especially valuable if children are involved.
- The children are being affected. Growing up with high-conflict parents can be damaging to a child’s development. Sometimes, it is better for the parents to split up and spare their children the stress. It will set a better example for children to see their parents function as co-parents than struggle as a married couple.
- Abuse. There are many forms of domestic abuse, but all of them are a sign that it’s time for the spouses to separate, and potentially file for divorce. Physical abuse is what most people think of here, but verbal, emotional, and financial abuse are also damaging to the target and should be cause to consider divorce.
Start Your Divorce Journey with a Reputable Arizona Family Law Team
After reviewing the four horsemen of divorce, you may feel inspired to work to save your marriage, or it may make you realize that this would be a futile battle. You don’t have to come to a final decision without speaking to a family law attorney. Our Phoenix Divorce Lawyers will review your situation in a phone consultation, free of charge. See if a member of our team is the right fit to serve as your legal counsel in whatever your family law needs may be. Schedule your free consultation today by calling 602-509-0955.
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